Fry-quacking = Aesthetic Terrorism

Lindsay Perigo's picture
Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Tue, 2016-09-20 07:07

Arriving at and departing from Wellington Railway Station was until just recently akin to emerging from a slimy sea of slovenliness on to an island paradise of sparkling clarity and excellence. I refer to the announcements of impending departures over the PA system, beautifully elocuted by a mature-sounding woman whose identity was/is unknown to me, and the contrast between her and moronnial women the world over afflicted with fry-quack—a civilisation-threatening combination of what is already formally identified as "vocal fry":

and the additional atrocity I personally refer to as "the quack," embodied by all women in this video but most execrably by adenoidal airhead and Democratic Party strategist Jessica Tarlow at 2' 56":

Mindful of the latter-day preponderance of fry-quackers, I have said for some time to anyone who cared to listen that my Wellington Railway Station heroine surely could not be much longer for the job, since her dulcet tones were a reproach and an affront to the crass cretins who run the world now. All trace of such beauty as her voice and delivery epitomised, reminiscent of a time when sanity, decency and the pursuit of excellence were unremarkable, would have to be expunged. Sure enough, I arrived at the station a few days ago for my latest outing to be assaulted by "Quack! Quack! Quack! Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeee" through the speakers. The dreaded changeover from class to excrement I had long predicted had indeed occurred.

I wrote to Metlink, who operate the area's rail services under contract to the Wellington Regional Council—an alarming assortment of veteran socialists, taxi chit-abusers, state tit-suckers and down-dumbers—asking why this plunge into barbarism had been perpetrated (I was a tad more polite than that, in the hope of eliciting a response):

Dear Lindsay

Thank you for taking the time to provide us with your feedback regarding the new on board announcements.

With the new Wellington rail operator starting from 3 July 2016, this was seen as an opportunity to modernise the on board announcements and to address a long standing issue regarding the incorrect pronunciation of Maori station names, which has been the basis of a number of complaints from local Wellington commuters over the years.

We appreciate your feedback about the new announcements. Your feedback has been forwarded to the appropriate team within Metlink for their consideration regarding any future changes to announcements.

Kind regards,

Now actually, my feedback was not about the on-board announcements, which have been fry-quacked from Day One, but those at Wellington Railway Station, where only one destination with a Maori name, Waikanae, is mentioned. My heroine pronounced that perfectly well (I'd be surprised if she didn't attend the same NZBC Announcer Training School that I did, where we were taught proper Maori pronunciation long before it became Politically Correct). That aside, I am at a loss to know why it is unacceptable to mangle Maori but admirable to mangle English?! Well, I'm not really at a loss: the degradation of spoken English has been the deliberate and very diabolical policy of our broadcast media, Air New Zealand, the Ministry of Education, linguistics professors and others in academia, our politicians et al for years. Metlink is merely the latest to climb aboard, if you'll pardon the pun.

Ubiquitous fry-quacking makes it seem as though someone has grabbed all our women by the very noses through which they emit their hideous duck-noises and ordered them to "speak" in such a way as to sound as dumb as they possibly can, with the quacking to be exacerbated by a seemingly endless series of upward inflections and the frying to kick in when there's finally a downward inflection. And, like, every second, like, word must be, like, "like." (The men are not off the hook, but their pathetic bro-speak sounds like Benedict Cumberbatch next to female fry-quacking.) It is a sign of a civilisation that has lost its self-respect. It is a crime against our own humanity. It is a self-contrived Weapon of Mass Destruction, an act of aesthetic terrorism against ourselves every bit as evil as the acts routinely perpetrated by Muslims. No, it doesn't kill people directly the way Muslims do, but it will assuredly help kill civilised Western culture, exactly as it's intended to—and that, ultimately, will mean a lot of deaths.

'An SI-English should first

PhilipD's picture

'An SI-English should first be cleaned-up so as to get rid of unnecessary complexities/contradictions that exist within common English today.'

So dumbed down?

There are already English as a Second Language boffins looking at what doesn't need to be taught to non-native speakers.

Some 'experts' suggests these wouldn't provide a barrier to communication:

Simple present third person: He look angry.
Article omission: He bought new car.
Using a bare infinitive in place of –ing: He look forward to buy new car.

Suggested changes to pronunciation are brutal. Asian speakers, for example, have difficulties making some sounds. So you would have to make changes. Big ones.

Happy with that? Certainly an army of your UN bureaucrats would enjoy the long and well-paid debate.

It is also suggested that English would be used purely for '...instrumental or “practical” purposes, that is, to facilitate the transfer of information rather than, say, as a symbol of cultural affiliation or with the intention of being humorous or entertaining. So there goes “idiomatic usage, slang, phrasal verbs, puns, proverbs, cultural allusions and the like.'

You argue that the use of such language would be optional. It wouldn't be optional at all though, would it? It's government that decides what is adopted and soon they would insist on following the bastardised form. Your UN says they should, after all.

And these complexities and contradictions that you talk of often help make English splendid. Where I live now they only use one word for beautiful or handsome- S'aart. So should we reduce the complexity of English and let words such as gorgeous, exquisite, stunning, cute and pulchritudinous die?

Fuck no.

Or, to reduce complexity should that just be a 'No.?'

The standardised version in

Andrew Atkin's picture

The standardised version in itself would be flexible. But it would be standard. Conformity to it would of course be optional, though encouraged. I think it could do a lot more good than harm.

Communications is one thing that really should be standardised.

'Using the United Nations as

PhilipD's picture

'Using the United Nations as a centralised authority, we could develop an internationally standardised form of English: English "Systems International".'

The UN? Thanks, but no thanks, Andrew.

In fact, to the idea of any government setting out to develop a standardised form of English- thanks, but no thanks.

A solution?

Andrew Atkin's picture

Shit. It's wine time ...

Mark Hubbard's picture

Shit. It's wine time ...

Sorry to sidetrack your

Mark Hubbard's picture

Sorry to sidetrack your post.

At the time I wrote my 18,000-word blog missive on the sorry state of New Zealand and Western literature, I asked anyone in the literary scene to name three New Zealand authors (or known identities - reviewers, et al) that would vote anything other than Green or Labour (or further Left). CK Stead was the only name we could come up with, so it's interesting you knew him. Charlotte Grimshaw perhaps hasn't fallen too far from the family tree; she did a great column a month ago against the vigilantism on social media.

Yes, of course ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

... the literati are PC filth. All the more reason not just to scare the ducks but to shoot them! Smiling The Carl I knew (dined with at the legendary Valerio's) was never frightened of the literati.

Mr Stead treads a fine line

Mark Hubbard's picture

Mr Stead treads a fine line with the identity politick who tend to be NZ literature (or at least the publishing channel) so he may have been trying to make a point without scaring the ducks Eye

Bro Hubbard

Lindsay Perigo's picture

Re-establishing the ear/air distinction and the el/al distinction is a cornerstone of my Kiwis Don't Quack course. But that's the least of it. The biggest atrocity now is fry-quacking, which is universal, as the American clips in my primary post show. That's a disgusting noise that bespeaks end-days. I'm surprised Carl didn't mention it.


Kyrel Zantonavitch's picture

I've heard that some languages come close to having "pure" vowel sounds, such as Italian and Spanish, in which there's supposedly just one very distinctive sound for all 5 main vowels: a, e, i, o, u. Esperanto was created to be thus. What it means than English has both "long" and "short" sounds for all 5 I don't know. English also seems to have a few "dipthongs" like "ow" and "oy". If spoken correctly in American English they seem easy to understand and distinguish. But BBC English may be the best of all -- musical and easy to understand.

You have an ally in C.K.

Mark Hubbard's picture

You have an ally in C.K. Stead, New Zealand's current Poet Laureate.

Quoting from the final part of this piece posted yesterday:

Note the last paragraph particularly.

"Final gripe or whinge: New Zealand speech –

Every decade that passes the a vowel fades further in New Zealand speech, and has almost vanished into variations of the e vowel. So younger speakers (and especially the less sophisticated, less well educated) are unable to distinguish between share and sheer, air and ear, mayor and mere. Our national carrier has become Ear New Zealand.

We laugh at the extremes of Australian speech without understanding that they laugh back, each failing to hear its own peculiarities. If you ask an Australian and a New Zealander to say ‘Her Majesty the Queen’ the Australian will say ‘Her Majesty the Coin’ and the New Zealander will say ‘Her Mejesty the Queen.’ Listen to the Australian a vowel – they have one, we’ve lost ours.

I know that experts, academic linguists, tell us that such vowel shifts are unstoppable; but I am for a campaign to save New Zealand’s a. It should start in schools – which would mean that teachers themselves would need to have a bit of corrective training at the tertiary level. I’m not asking for fake English accents or that people should ‘speak posh’. I have an unmistakable New Zealand accent, and would not want it otherwise. But there are certain distinctions in the words themselves which should be made clear in the way they are spoken. No more Southern Elps; no more Mount Elbert; no more Kethryn Ryan. Let’s give the a vowel it’s due!

The other place where some degree of precision and clarity should be required, and good examples set, is in broadcasting. It seems to me absurd that RNZ is more and more requiring its announcers and newsreaders to use Maori as often as possible, and to pronounce it correctly, while showing apparently complete indifference to the damage these people are doing to spoken English."


Andrew Atkin's picture all looks symptomatic of a general thing. Ugly speech, the ugly music (if you can even call it that), and the incredible what-were-you-thinking tattoos...and the clothes that look like you don't know how to dress yourself, as though you are still three years old.

Where on earth does this "I don't care" culture come from, we must ask. My intuition says it has something to do with deep powerlessness, and certainly a lack of real self esteem.

Lady S

Lindsay Perigo's picture

You are right about Maori and Pacific Island girls sounding so much better than white female trash. I think that's partly because the quack has emanated from Airhead America—MTV, Kimberly Guilfoyle et al—and partly because the Maori/Pacific Islanders have an innate musicality that would prohibit their making such disgusting noises as are now routine among white moronnial ditzy bitches. Decades ago, when as a pupil I conducted the school choir because no teacher could do it as well as I, I was often confounded by the fact that the Maori girls in the choir would sing their own harmonies, different from the ones in the score we were working with. I didn't try to stop them, since their improvised harmonies were beautiful, not discordant at all, still based on thirds, fourths, fifths, sixths and tonics, but different from the ones on the page. I kept wondering, where is this coming from?! To this day I don't know. I do know that my most recent female pupil, a young Maori lass, was much easier to wean off quacking than my white girls, driven obsessively by the repugnant desire to be "cool." That's aside from you, of course. You got "lulu" at once. Evil


Lindsay Perigo's picture

The New Zealand accent is not an accent; it is a disease. And of course well-spokenness should be taught in schools. Apart from me and my Kiwis Don't Quack course, though, who could teach it? The teachers are all quackers, and militantly committed to quacking to boot. Child-molesters of the mind. The credentialled LTCL crowd seem to have waved the white flag of surrender long since.

What really breaks my heart is the refusal of people who should know better to even try to grasp the civilisation-destroying properties of fry-quack. Every person who ejaculates in that fashion bespeaks a sense of life that is anti-life. When more than half the population are doing it, one should realise civilisation is fucked. That's without the Muslims doing their bit!!

On being well spoken

Andrew Atkin's picture

I think the New Zealand accent is dysfunctional. It's not clear. The more you have to strain to understand what someone is saying, the less mental room there is to actually appreciate what they're saying. Bad speech is a parasitic tax on communications.

So being well spoken has a lot of value. Maybe it should be taught in schools? I think practical communications in general should be taught, or at least made available, as it is so important.

-Indeed, I think most practical problems at work and everyday life can ultimately be traced back to a communication breakdown, on some level. for that 'fry' stuff, it sounds to me like a kind of insecurity. Like the message within it is "I am not prepared to stand by what I am saying". Hence it's a bit obnoxious.

That is a clear link...

Olivia's picture

between the demise of Western values and the protection of multicultural nonsense in the train station. Mangling English in order to promote correct pronunciation of Maori is a sad disgrace. Little wonder so many of them can't enunciate anything close to good English - "windshcreen" instead of "windscreen" etc. Oddly enough though, I've noticed Maori and Pacific Islanders speak more from their chests than their noses - they often have an earthy quality to their voice instead of the nasal quack and vocal fry that Pakeha girls indulge in so ubiquitously.

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