Reparations

Kyrel Zantonavitch's picture
Submitted by Kyrel Zantonavitch on Sat, 2019-03-02 14:37

Black Man: I have slavery in my past. Your ancient ancestors owned my ancient ancestors. Therefore you owe me massive reparations.

White Man: But never for a moment were you personally a slave. Never for a moment was I personally a slave-master. You never directly suffered from slavery and I never caused you to. Individuals are responsible for their own thoughts, words, and deeds only. All individuals are born innocent. Until they do something wrong, all people are guilt-free and undeserving of punishment.

Black Man: False or irrelevant. Your personal thoughts, words, and deeds don't matter. You're responsible for what your ancestors did as a group to my ancestors as a group.

White Man: But my actual ancestors were feudal serfs in Russia. They lived in terrible bondage for centuries until they escaped to America in the 1880s.

Black Man: Misleading and irrelevant. You're still responsible for your race as a whole. You bear the guilt of Southern slavery and Jim Crow. Ultimately, you injured me badly.

White Man: But your actual ancestors were Ashanti warriors from Ghana. They brutally enslaved their fellow black Africans for centuries -- most of whom died after just a few years of horrific servitude. Then your ancestors emigrated to Minnesota in the 1980s.

Black Man: Slanderous and still irrelevant. The beliefs and actions of your and my specific ancestors don't count. Your race as a collective did some bad things to my race as a collective in the distant past. Thus you still owe me reparations. Why fight or deny the obvious with all of your tortured and racist logic?

White Man: But I'm a libertarian and capitalist who favors modern freedom. You're a fascist and socialist who favors modern slavery.

Black Man: You're really testing my patience with all your bizarre and off-topic remarks. It's high time you paid up.

White Man: Okay, how much do I personally owe you?

Black Man: A million bucks!

White Man: That seems like a lot.

Black Man: Stop whining. It should be much more. You got off light, you evil, racist monster.

White Man: Well, if I give you the money will you finally be satisfied and stop blaming me for everything?

Black Man: Not in the least! I'm going to be miserable forever. And you're going to be a hateful white devil no matter what you do. You're also permanently guilty and responsible for all my failures.

White Man: How so?

Black Man: Well, suppose I piss away all your money in a few years and end up flat broke again, owing to my huge personal irresponsibility. You'll be to blame for that too, and thus you'll owe me a million more.

White Man: Do you plan on doing this?

Black Man: Not exactly. But you and I both know I will.

White Man: And what if despite the financial devastation you visit upon me multiple times I still make a great effort, and continue to live responsibly? What if I work hard and smart, save my money, and then retire with a nest-egg worth a million bucks myself, while you retire again flat broke?

Black Man: Then you owe me another million.

White Man: Fair's fair!


Obscure

Kyrel Zantonavitch's picture

Bruno -- I don't seem to understand the meaning of that reference!

A thousand bucks

Bruno's picture

Intercontinental plane tickets are only a thousand bucks or less.

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