'Adam and Eve' -- short story

Kyrel Zantonavitch's picture
Submitted by Kyrel Zantonavitch on Sun, 2019-03-31 14:16

Once upon a time Adam and Eve were playing in the Garden of Eden. First they gently slapped patty cake. Next they deferentially engaged in hide-and-seek. Then they had modest sex. They'd done all this a thousand times before.

Eve looked at Adam with a bit of despair and longing. "This is so meaningless," stated Adam. "So boring and empty," complained Eve. "So devoid of purpose and importance," judged Adam. "What should we do?" lamented Eve.

Adam thought for a moment. "Find a better way," he concluded.

"But how?"

"We must seek knowledge. We need to learn to live superior to this."

Adam and Eve were close to miserable. So they decided to ferociously try to uplift themselves and improve their lot. They desperately wanted a way out of their pain and woe.

Then along came god. "How are you doing my creations, Adam and Eve, in my Garden of Eden?" he boomed. Adam and Eve sighed. "As you wish," they said in tired unison.


Adam and Eve looked at "the lord of creation" in silent reproach. God noticed this and was curious.

"Haven't I provided for you in every respect?"

"Yes, father," said Eve.

"Yes, sir," said Adam.

"Don't you two have absolutely everything you genuinely need and want?"

"I suppose," said Eve.

"If you say so," said Adam.

"Good!" god bellowed.

"But my creator..." said Eve.

"My deity..." said Adam.

"What is it?" God was getting alarmed. Adam and Eve looked him directly in the eye.

"We want knowledge," stated Adam.

"Yes, knowledge of life."

"Knowledge of the world and all of existence."

"Knowledge which separates the real from the unreal, the true from the false, the healthy from the sickly, the happy from the sad, the good from the evil."

"That is forbidden!" exploded god.

"But, why?" said Adam defiantly.

"Yes, why?" said Eve.

"That too is forbidden!" screamed god in fury.

Adam and Eve were unpleased with these answers. They gazed upon their "lord" with resentment and growing anger.

"There will be no more discussion of this!" god commanded them bitterly. The all-powerful, all-knowing creature stalked away in a rage.

But Adam and Eve were unintimidated. They wanted to satisfy their hunger. And they knew how to do it.

"Let us do as god's enemy Satan has instructed us," Eve said eagerly.

"Hell, yes," agreed Adam.

They both strode quickly to the magnificent Tree of Knowledge. They gazed upon it with greed and lust. Boy did the fruits on it look good!

Eve hesitated. "Shall we truly partake of the juicy and delicious fruits of knowledge?"

"You're god-damned right we will!"

Adam plucked off two especially succulent and tasty looking pomegranates and handed one to his partner in crime.

The man ate first. The woman quickly followed. Both relished the almost unbearably good pleasure of knowing things.

"Wow! This is great!" said Adam.

"We're in heaven!" said Eve.

Adam looked at Eve with joy and longing. Altho it was effectively new to her, Eve understood this look.

"I can't wait to have sex with you again," said Eve.

Adam smiled and drank her in voraciously. Eve blushed furiously. But both maintained self-control.

"I can't wait to learn wonderful new things, and grow, and become great," said Adam.

"Life is good -- finally," said Eve.

"Life is utterly marvelous. I've never been so happy!" said Adam.

Then along came god.

"What in the hell are you two doing?" he yelled.



"Chowing down."

"Munching out."

"Want some?" Adam politely extended a half-eaten pomegranate toward god almighty.
Adam and Eve looked at each other and laughed gaily.

"But I forbid it!" God was apoplectic.

"Fuck off," said Adam calmly.

"Yeah, get lost," added Eve.

God stared at them dumbfounded.

"You're a disgusting tyrant that before this gave us a tedious and essentially miserable life," said Adam.

"You're a wretched old bastard who likes to order us around, you dreary jerk," said Eve.
God gaped at them in pure amazement.

"Out!" he screamed at last. The whole universe seemed to quake.

Adam and Eve looked at him in silent revulsion.

"Get the holy hell out of my blessed Garden of Eden!" god shrieked at maximum volume.

"Fine," said Adam. "Good-bye and good riddance."

"See ya later, god dictator," said Eve.

"Thou shalt know shame!" said god in high wrath.

"I'm ashamed we took this long to rebel," replied Adam.

"By the sweat of thy brow thou shalt work!"

"Better than the boredom and emptiness of doing nothing worth while," said Eve.

"And knock it off with this 'shalt,' 'thou' and 'thy' business, you dreadful, revolting, deity thing. Speak english, damn you!"

"Out, out, out! I commandeth ye!"

Adam and Eve chuckled in derision.

"I thought you'd never ask," said Adam.

"Not a moment too soon," said Eve.

The two heroes strode out, arm in arm, into the real world. They never looked back and didn't stop until they were far away from their old prison.

Adam and Eve smiled, laughed, danced, and exulted. They were alive, happy, and free at last!

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