Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Fri, 2020-01-24 05:17


Oh!

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Lindsay, I've spent 20 minutes trying to compose myself enough to write this - so funny!

I think I have managed to disturb everyone in the lounge at my hotel with the laughter.

Church Ladies with Typewriters

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Came into my inbox today. A perfect antidote to the humorless insanity of All Woke No Joke:

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're back ! Those wonderful Church bulletins !

Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences (read carefully) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell ?'

Come early and listen to our choir practise.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

HILARIOUS!!!!

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The brilliant Sara Gonzales - once again - manages to satirize this twaddle brilliantly. (3mins 8 secs)

An

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elderly man, Tom, aged 75 or so, was walking down the street when he was stopped by an even older man. This chap aged 90 introduced himself as Stefan, and his family had been the next door neighbours when Tom was growing up.

After exchanging pleasantries Stefan asked "was it you or your brother who died?"

Sick

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Of being treated like a child by Nanny?

Want to beat them at their own game?

Sick of the endless television advertising about suicide prevention during lockdown?

Then dial the suicide hotline number and threaten to kill yourself unless they talk dirty to you...(you kill two birds with one stone as it's free phone sex!)

Get all your friends to do so too and show up the virtue signalling absurdity of these Nanny State messages (reminding us what horrid people we all are if not shown the error of our ways by the Guv'mun)

I

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am sitting here roaring with laughter at the thought of poofy male 'feminists', woke university students, suburban accountants, slovenly housewives, schoolmasters, and numerous other city folk, heading into the country to tell Farmer Brown they are confiscating his stuff.... Sticking out tongue

Lavatory Paper shortage in Minnesota...

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Hilarious!!

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Self Awareness 101

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More hilarious stuff

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How

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the Demoscum politicans think Coronavirus can be eliminated...(afterall it worked for high school shootings, right kids?)

Milo

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hilarious video

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Logic

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There

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are probably a lot of people who won't "get" this....

Most hilarious YET!!

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JOE BIDEN DROPS OUT OF THE RACE; ENDORSES JOE BIDEN

Following disappointing performances in early primaries and caucuses, former Vice President Joe Biden today suspended his campaign for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, and announced he’ll throw his support behind the winner of the South Carolina primary, the former Delaware Senator, Joe Biden.

“A man’s gotta know when he’s whipped,” Biden told a tearful crowd of supporters. “It’s time for me to skedaddle, and make way for that Biden fella — God love him. He’s got the Joe-mentum now, and I’m yesterday’s newspaper, stained filthy with bird droppings and cat urine.”

The three-time presidential contender said he was moved by the selflessness of Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, who each dropped out the race this week and plan to endorse Biden. “If they can put aside their own ambitions for the good of the country,” Biden said, “so can Old Joe.”

After nearly a year as the presumptive frontrunner, the Biden campaign fell off an electoral cliff in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada, supplanted first by the youthful energy of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and then by the late-blooming Biden campaign. Thanks to a tailwind from the Biden endorsement, Joe Biden says he thinks “Democrats will finally come together around the one candidate who can beat President Eisenhower.”

Be Careful What You Wish For...

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Have

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a guess what Joe's rather poofy middle name is..... Barf!

Buh Bye...

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And

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Bolshevik Bernie won California. Wotta surprise. Must have been that big bump from Orange County and the Anti-Rand Institute!

But ...

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Mini-Mike won American Samoa. We didn't see that coming.

In other news, Sleepy Joe doesn't know his wife from his sister. And he's not even a goat-fucker!

*sigh*

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Whoops!

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(laugh when you see it folks!)

Look Ma - no hands!

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Very funny

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Eeekkkkk!

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Oh my...

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(You brought it up dear)

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We are all going to miss him....

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So true!

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Very good!

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Try

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not to roar with laughter too much as you listen/watch Glenn Beck and Stu discuss the Royal family. This is absolutely HILARIOUS (and unintentionally so!); click and enjoy (9mins 7 secs)

Funny

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Ever wondered why the Demoscum always lose?

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Hilarious

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An awfully funny thing to do to odious, 'wet' little girls! Sticking out tongue

Milo

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has the answer!

He's

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really not cut out for this, is he? hahahahaha!! Sticking out tongue

This Creature *Defines* 'Snowflake'!

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OMG!

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a group of loons in Seattle have written a song for "Murdered Trees".

These people, the 'usual suspects' of moochers and looters who've never earned a dollar of their own (or in the case of the women - been troubled by rapists), all look like what you'd expect such filth to look like. Sickos.

I shall let the brilliant Glenn Beck tell you more...

Haha!

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Awwww

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Those

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of you who are not subscribing to Blaze TV are missing out on ALL the fun! $140 (nzd) per year and it's yours!

Here is the brilliant Sara Gonzales hilariously spoofing AOC; gets her mannerisms and appalling accent down pat. Watch and try not to spend the day laughing your head off...

Why

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are they not all in prison? that is the $64,000 question folks! This filth really gets my dander up! really makes me so angry!

Faces of the Deep State, Obleftivist Poster-Filth

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That one ...

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... was a real snake. Self-important, pompous and evil through and through. He's the one who blabbed to the "whistle-blower." But there are still no charges of treason being brought! This was an attempted coup!

Guess

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we can stop calling him "Lieutenant Colonel" now? Sticking out tongue

"Alexander Vindman, who made waves as a witness during the Trump impeachment proceedings, was fired Friday by the National Security Council and escorted off of the White House grounds, Fox News has confirmed...

1 down, 20 to go....

An amusing story I heard....

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Randolph Churchill, the wayward son of Winston Churchill, was traveling around Italy on holiday with a friend and after a couple of weeks they arrived in Rome. Randolph said to his friend that he was going to pop over to Vatican City and meet the Pope (much to his friend's disbelief) and asked if the friend wanted to come too.

So off they went to the Vatican and (much to the astonishment of his disbelieving friend) Randolph simply walked up to the front gate, announced who he was to the guard, and asked to see the Pope. What the friend didn't fully appreciate was that being the son of Winston Churchill had a habit of opening the most locked and bolted of doors (if you know what I mean?); soon afterwards they were ushered into the Pope's study.

The Pontiff said what a great honour it was to meet a member of such a famous family, asked after his father, and they chatted for about half an hour over coffee.

Eventually Randolph, being a bit of a mischief-maker, then asked the Pope "Do you know Evelyn Waugh?", to which he replied "No, I don't". Churchill seemed surprised at this "Really? you don't know Evelyn Waugh? the author?"; "No, I do not know this Mr Waugh" said the Pope once again.

Randolph Churchill found this hard to believe "You are saying you don't know Evelyn Waugh? never read Brideshead Revisited? or any his other novels?" and the Pope said "No, I'm afraid not Mr Churchill". By this stage Churchill was shaking his head in bewilderment "how extraordinary; he's a Roman Catholic too" Eye

Enough said

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Couldn't resist this one...

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Jean Harlow, the 'Blonde Bombshell' movie star, was in London during the 1930s at a Society dinner party. Sitting across from her was Margot Asquith, Wife of the former Prime Minister, and throughout the evening Jean Harlow kept referring to her as 'Mar-got'. Every time they spoke to each other it was "Mar-got" this, "Mar-got" that, and eventually Margot Asquith had had enough and said "Miss Harlow in the word Margot the T is silent.....as it is in Harlow" Eye

Yes, well...

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A

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tale of two campaign events in the same city; can you spot the difference? Eye

Those were the days....

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A

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tale of two scenarios for political parties....

Scenario 1. You have a whip around and ask your supporters to chip in, say, $50 each; raise $1 million; invest it in a managed fund and receive $100,000 per year in income for the party's election fund.

Scenario 2. You whore yourself around the Orient like a tart, obtain $100,000 donations from corrupt, commie, businessmen whose sole intention is to corrupt you and leave you open to future blackmail. The end result is arrests and people standing in the dock.

When faced with these two options guess which one Siminda chose.... Eye

This

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is HILARIOUS!

The failed campaign of Pete Bootyboy has today proved why he is not cut out to be US President, and why none of his staff are cut out to work in the White House. Seems the sooky cry baby girly men have all filled out a survey bemoaning 'microaggressions' (don't worry, I had to look its meaning up too) and racism within the campaign; as usual with left wingers - there was a lot of it!

(Even funnier is that in a couple of weeks all these people will be unemployed - and probably blaming Donald Trump for that! Sticking out tongue haha!)

Hahaha!!

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Take your time folks....

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Perhaps you will find this somewhat funnier?

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Only lasts 2 mins and a good effort at making fun of the left wingers....

Caption Contest

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Perhaps

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all is not lost! Perhaps all we need to do is convince the left wing wanker set to start eating Bat soup - then sit back and wait for nature to take its course? Sticking out tongue (convince them it is racist not to eat it hahahaha!!). The brilliant Paul Joseph Watson has yet another brilliant video.

Curses! foiled again!

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And it was all true!

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Obamarx was spying on Orange Man Bad, exactly as Orange Man claimed!

Obamarx for Orange Suit!

Nearly

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choked on my cup of tea when I first saw it! Hilarious Sticking out tongue

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