Most contrary blog commenter (who is to me what I am to most blogs I read,) Angie Schultz, prompts me to make some corrections. Not to myself! God no. To them. Listen carefully, Americans....

1. Pizza is called "Pizza," not "pie." Do not ask for pie when you mean pizza. Take a tip from the people who call themselves "Pizza Hut." We antipodeans know what a pie is, it's something you buy at the 7/11 for lunch or at a footy game but it is not something seen remotely near a Pizza Hut and for one very good reason. It's not pizza!!

2. Beetroot is called "Beetroot" and not "pickled beets." If you're cool, and come from Clarkville (as I am, and do) you may also call it "rootbeet" in the same way that a knife may be a "ka'nife" or a spoon a "spoo."

3. Your lightswitches flip the wrong way. Up should be off, down should be on. Either import some from down our way or else, perhaps, just rotate them. I don't care who discovered electricity.

4. You drive on the wrong side of the road.

5. Turn your headlights off. Seems to be law, as of 10yrs ago, that everyone's got to have their car headlights on all the time. That's stupid. If it were my car I'd short it out. You let your cars control themselves, pretty soon it's going to be Terminator II: Judgment Day. I have so much more to say about this.

6. Coke tastes like Pepsi. They're almost the same thing. Except not here. Here, if you want Kiwi Coke then you'd better ask for Pepsi. That's not right.

7. Lemonaide is fizzy, clear, sugary yum (except in Australia, where everything tastes aweful.) It's good for mixing with other drinks. It doesn't particuarly taste like lemmons, it has many brands OF WHICH SPRITE IS ONE OF THEM. There is no such thing as "lemon and lime," and the kind of thing mythological American children sell at their gates is something else which merely shares the name.

8. In America the shower taps, sinks, and sometimes toilets, are designed by the guy who came up with the Rubik's cube. Why does it have to be so damned complicated to figure out how to make water work?

9. It's called a mirror, not a "miiiiir."

10. It's a boot, not a "trunk."

"Jack and Jill didn't have room in the back seat for the cadaver so they put it in the boot."

10b. Likewise, it's a bonnet, not a "hood."

11. It's Kiwi Fruit, not "Kiwi." I'm a Kiwi. A National emblem and a native bird is a kiwi.

Kiwi. Fruit.

12. Squirrels are bloody huge! Why didn't you say something sooner?

That should sort you out for a while, Yankie.

SR