I’ve had it up to the eyeballs with them. Nutri-nazis, nico-nazis, alco-nazis, nag-nazis of every kind. Talentless twats with no life who compensate by trying to run other people’s. Last week, they told us they’ve made the bogs of Taranaki smokefree. What a sanctimonious little semi-glow they must have felt. They told us they’re going to make food manufacturers put traffic lights on their labels—red if the food’s enjoyable, green for the healthy muck. One of their number, Jeanette Fitzsimons, is actually a giraffe who lives on leaves, and expects the rest of us to do the same. They look as though they’re sucking on a lemon and sitting on a cactus. If you doubt me, look at Sue Kedgley.

Over the weekend they told us:

A long-term tax strategy is needed to double the price of tobacco products within 10 years. That is the recommendation of tobacco control experts presenting papers at the “Death and Taxes: Future directions for tobacco taxation” seminar in Auckland today. Their work was commissioned by the Audio to follow)

Smokefree Coalition and ASH NZ.

They are swine, fit only for the abattoir.

Yesterday, I heard great answers to them, given by the late stand-up comic Bill Hicks. I deliver them here with expletives modified:

“I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids. Just laughed my ass off, and went about my day."

“What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemma on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR CLUCKING BUSINESS! Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my clucking life."

"Obnoxious , self-righteous, whining little clucks. My biggest fear is that if I quit smoking, I'll become one of you. Don't take that wrong. I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day. Enjoy your evening.”

Bill Hicks died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 32. I wish he were still here. In his memory, and as fitting tribute to the obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little clucks, today’s edition of Truth Radio is proudly sponsored by Cluck-off Cigarettes.