RACH! (As broadcast on Radio Live, Easter Monday, 2008)

Lindsay Perigo's picture
Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Sun, 2008-03-23 20:43

Today I want to announce RACH: Revolt Against Caterwauling Headbanging.

Normally I refer to "headbanging caterwauling'; today I’m reversing the expression for the sake of a good acronym, one that implicitly pays tribute to the antipode of headbanging caterwauling, Rachmaninoff.

What will RACH do? It will seek, by means of moral persuasion, not government force, to rescue the world from the clutches of the culturally depraved, whose substitute for music—evil set to cacophony—assails us at every turn.

Going to the gym in pursuit of the body beautiful? You’ll be deafened by the discord ugly.

Going to the supermarket for food to sustain the body? You’ll be assailed by jangling to crush the spirit.

Going to a restaurant for conversation and romance? You’ll be undone by amplified chainsaws and jackhammers.

Watching television for relaxation and entertainment? You’ll be thwarted by screaming skulls screeching scripts for promos and ads, competing with chainsaws and jackhammers.

In its most blatant, obnoxious and honest form—rap—this depravity doesn’t conceal its life- and man-hatred, replete as it is with murderous agendas and gratuitous profanity. If there were a Satan, rap would offend even him. If there were a Hell, it wouldn’t compete with rap for awfulness.

Those who perpetrate, perform and enjoy headbanging caterwauling are sub-human. They are in rebellion against life, against grandeur, against heroism, against beauty ... they are at war with that which is the crowning glory of man: his mind. They are mindless worshippers of mindlessness. They do not rule the world officially but they have taken it over. They have taken over the shopping malls, the shops, the bars and restaurants, the gyms and rugby fields, the interludes between television programmes and even the programmes themselves. Nothing is uncorrupted by these aliens—even opera singers perform with them.

It’s time to shame these aesthetic thugs into oblivion. Musical masochism is for consenting adults in private; it shouldn’t be sadistically imposed on unconsenting adults in public. Ideally its perpetrators should follow the logic of one of their number, the Slipknot drummer who, when told his was music to commit suicide by, said, “We must be doing something right.” I would certainly encourage that alien and all its fellows to top themselves and leave the earth to human beings.

Stand by for The RACH tick of approval for restaurants that allow conversation; for Sky Sport when it stops confusing its mission with rock concerts, its audience for rappers; for Les Mills when it stops damaging its clients’ hearing for the benefit of freaks on steroids. Stand by for RACH bumper stickers that say, "What are you afraid will happen if there’s no wailing and screaming?" "Silence is Golden." "Stop Harvey Norman, Stop." And, "Ozzie Ozbawn Sucks."

Yes, RACH to the rescue. Let the enlightened reclaim the earth, and the aliens crawl back to their mosh pits.


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Ozzy Osbourne

Mark Hubbard's picture

Ozzy Osbourne rocks!!

 

Because he's burnt out his inner ear and can't balance any longer? 

Ozzy Osbourne rocks!!

Richard Goode's picture

"Ozzie [sic] Ozbourne [sic] Sucks."

Ozzy Osbourne rocks!!

God bless you all!!!

Oh dear god!

Olivia's picture

the Slipknot drummer who, when told his was music to commit suicide by, said, “We must be doing something right.” I would certainly encourage that alien and all its fellows to top themselves and leave the earth to human beings.

I couldn't agree more. What a terrible thing to be proud of. So twisted.
Radio advertising also is an assault on the ears. Caterwauling often accompanied by a manic narrative to buy whatever the product is... but at least one can turn a radio off, unlike a shopping mall.

So I

Callum McPetrie's picture

So I heard, Linz. Smiling

It's worst in schools.

"Socialism may be dead, but its corpse is still rotting up the place." -Ayn Rand

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