SOLO-UK Press Release: Gordon Ramsay, Food Fascist

Gordon Ramsay, famous UK chef and verbal scatologist has been reported as saying that British restaurants should be fined if they serve fruit and vegetables which are not in season. He claims to have spoken to Prime Minister Gordon Brown about outlawing out-of-season produce.

SOLO-UK spokesman Scott Wilson responds as follows (Parental Advisory: language may offend, as it closely resembles Mr. Ramsay's):

Dear Gordon,

Pardon the expletives but it is important you understand.

You’re a fucking good chef. Of course you are. There are few bastards in the world half as good as you. So shit, you can talk with authority about food and running restaurants. I can't doubt that for a moment.

However, you know fuck all about economics, you dozy prick. You want restaurants to be fined for using out-of-season food. Besides the obvious of how the fuck you’ll enforce this shitty idea (imagine people furtively saying, "Shhh, there is a restaurant that's selling strawberries out-of-season, don't tell anyone"), what the fuck business is it of yours? Unless you want protectionism, but you're not the sort of loser twat who would, I am sure.

What if I fucking want asparagus in December? Do what you like in your restaurants and leave everyone else's alone, you moron! By the way, you ignorant fucker, ever looked south of the equator? When it’s winter in Britain it’s fucking summer in South America, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand, not out-of-season there, and a lot of people make a living out of selling that produce to people in Britain who want it. And you know what? Most of them don’t get the namby-pamby subsidies for losers as sellers in Britain do from Brussels—which by the way also subsidises your beloved local farmers exporting elsewhere and fucks up markets around the world. Maybe you should learn a bit more about how mollycoddled farming is in Europe you dickhead, and even how that has fucked up farming elsewhere in the world.

So when you say that fruit and vegetables should not be imported into Britain, presumably they can’t be exported either. Not going to get too many fucking bananas then are you? How about the great British-grown citrus fruits? Oh maybe you just think that it should only be produce grown in Britain that isn’t imported—classic protectionist, putting the price up of course (like you’d care though). Let the prols pay more for food, the ungrateful peasants. Is that what you think?

You talk as if it is about carbon emissions—what bullshit! Tomatoes grown in Spain and shipped to the UK have a lower carbon footprint that ones grown in heated hothouse farms in Britain. Not so fucking simple now is it, brainbox? Ever noted how butter and lamb from New Zealand shipped to the UK has a lower carbon footprint after all that than British-produced butter and lamb? You fucking tosser, being taken in by this food miles malarkey—and I bet you still drive too.

You say, “There should be stringent laws, licensing laws, to make sure produce is only used in season and season only. … If we don't restrict our movements within this industry of seasonal-produce only, then the whole thing will spiral out of control."

Oh, you fucking fascist prick. You want a bunch of bureaucrats poking their nose into restaurants checking where the fuck the produce has come from, making sure a strawberry, apple or yam is not in the wrong place. Well fuck you!

Ok, so how about this: let’s restrict all you fucking do to Britain. Ban your TV programmes, books and your even opening up restaurants elsewhere in the world. Who wants some foul-mouthed English chef when they can have their own? in fact, why trade at all? Don’t get kitchen appliances from Italy, France, USA or Japan, get British ones. Get British cars too (good luck)—after all, if you want to fuck the rest of the trading world with your economic nationalism, then you can’t expect the world to want to buy or sell you anything.

So while you sit playing with yourself thinking how great it would be for a restaurant to be fined for selling an apple pie in June, or tomato sauce from the USA, you could be doing something more useful—run your restaurants and shut the fuck up. You want better quality food, then keep doing what you are doing, but accept that a lot of people in Britain like the bland mass produced crud that is found as ready meals, or is called sandwiches. They do because it is cheap and convenient and they have the taste buds of a goat, but it is THEIR fucking choice.

People can choose things you don’t like and you can’t do a fucking thing about it—leave it that way. Plenty of fascists want the world to be their way; you’re not the first. How about remembering you are in charge of your restaurant and your property—you are not in charge of anyone else. That’s why on this proposal there is only one right answer:

Fuck off!

Yours sincerely

SOLO SOLOPassion.com