50,000 sign petition to make Jeremy Clarkson PM

Jameson's picture
Submitted by Jameson on Fri, 2008-08-22 03:55

The petition has closed to make our favourite car enthusiast the new British Prime Minister, the man who, as the Times reported, 'urged the Archbishop of Canterbury to close down the Church of England with the words: “I tell you this, beardie. Many, many more people have died in the name of God than were killed in the name of Hitler.” This is a potential leader who has compared getting behind the wheel of a Ford GT40 to “opening the Holy Grail to find Cameron Diaz in there, naked and bored”.'

The Daily Mail has taken a punt on his policies. They include:


Britons will be encouraged, through discounts and tax relief, to drive 4x4s, Jaguars and BMWs. Not only will this give a valuable boost to our oil industry, but it will encourage climate change. And what's not to like about global warming? Holland gets flooded and we get California's weather. That's what I call a win/win situation.


The safety bureaucrats are the abominable no-men, constantly dreaming up new reasons to abolish fun and hobble business. With their silly regulations, they have done more damage to British industry than the Luftwaffe. They are the human equivalent of a Lada. But at least you could drive a Lada off a cliff.


Thanks to mass immigration, urban traffic moves at the speed of an arthritic snail. But still motorists are bullied by the rash of speed cameras, which are nothing more than a revenue-raising device. Serious criminals do not have to put up with this level of surveillance. My Government will tear down cameras and raise the motorway speed limit to 150mph.


Putting out the rubbish used to be a simple task. Thanks to the tyrants of green officialdom, it has been turned into a nightmare. Placing the wrong garbage in the wrong bin is regarded as worse than mugging a granny. My Government will restore sanity by providing everyone with a bin the size of Bernard Manning, which will be emptied twice a week.


Under my Government, the rights of ordinary British citizens will have a higher priority than those of Islamic terrorists, Somalian gang-leaders and knife-wielding thugs. Homosexual pornography for deranged serial killers will not be regarded as a human right, nor will multi-million pound fees for hypocritical Leftwing lawyers milking the system.


The former U.S. President Ronald Reagan once said that the state was like a baby's alimentary canal: endless appetite at one end and utter irresponsibility at the other. My Government will reduce taxes by cracking down on all pen-sucking, paper-pushing jobsworths, outreach counsellors and parking enforcers, equality officers and drugs co-ordinators. Those who resist will be fed very, very slowly into their own office shredders.


In my Britain, smoking will no longer be seen as a crime against humanity. In fact, cigarettes will be encouraged in order to reduce the burden on the NHS and state pensions. After all, smokers perform a valuable public services by paying extortionate taxation, then generally failing to reach old age. The Marlboro Man has done more for our economy than any Chancellor.


Cycling is just as dreary as recycling and twice as pointless. My Government will come down heavily on this sanctimonious activity by introducing new taxes on Lycra, plastic helmets and the bicycles themselves. Altogether now: "Four wheels good, two wheels bad."


The final tally was 49,448. Smiling

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I have never

Elijah's picture

I have never watched/read/owned/possessed gay pornography, having always exercised my rights not to watch/read/possess things I find a bit lewd..(and taking the understandable view that a 'Gentleman' does not do that sort of thing)....but goodness knows why someone in a maximum security prison, with a couple of decades to go before a parole hearing, would want to watch a pornographic dvd Shocked

I realise 'minimum security' is a bit of a joke and more akin to a holiday camp Sticking out tongue ...but in maximum security?!?! 

On election day...tick the LIBERTARIANZ box...

I do ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

... like to see you young lads enjoying yourselves. Eye


Matty Orchard's picture

Well then, glad that's cleared up. Thanks Lance!

Very thorough, Lance

Jameson's picture

And just a tad frightening. Smiling

After acquiring the name

Lance's picture

After acquiring the name "Dennis Nilsen" and being able to use it in the search as well, I came across this:

3. The myth that convicted murderer Dennis Nilsen had been able to obtain hard-core pornography in prison by citing his “right to information and freedom of expression” under the Human Rights Act is often cited as the leading example of a bad decision made as a result of the Act. However, Dennis Nilsen’s application was refused by the single judge at the permission stage. He did not establish that there was any arguable case that a breach of his human rights had occurred, nor that the prison’s rules were discriminatory. He also failed to receive any greater access to such materials as a result.

Note to self: Clear "Saved

Lance's picture

Note to self: Clear "Saved form and search history" Cool


Lance's picture


A British convict, Dennis Nilsen, has been campaigning for the right of prisoners to obtain hard-core homosexual pornography. Hitherto, they had permission to acquire only the porn sold on ordinary newsstands: pornographic enough, one might have thought. Nilsen, the papers report, nears victory in his campaign: the clause in the recent British Human Rights Act that guarantees the right to receive information means that authorities cannot lawfully deny prisoners the hard-core magazines available only from licensed sex shops. To deny prisoners access to such magazines violates their human rights.

One might think that Nilsen, one of Britain’s most notorious serial killers, had by his former activities ruled himself out as a legitimate human-rights advocate. He does not seem to have paid those rights much attention before he entered prison—for killing 15 homosexual drifters in his apartment, watching television with their bodies beside him, and then dismembering them and boiling their parts in saucepans on his stove. Police caught him only by chance: human flesh had clogged up his apartment’s drains when he tried to flush it down his toilet. At the time of his arrest, his closet had a backlog of boiled heads and limbs awaiting disposal.

Such is the man who campaigns for human rights: in this case, the eternal sacred right of prisoners to have access to hard-core pornography. Since British society seems determined to turn satire into reality, it does not deal with the man’s outrageous demands in peremptory fashion; it takes them seriously, and lends him every assistance and facility in making them. The taxpayer will foot the bill for the legal case.

What is so damaging about this story is not that Nilsen will henceforth be able, at Her Majesty’s pleasure and at taxpayers’ expense, to look to his heart’s content at pictures of men having sex together; rather it is the sense of impotence this ruling will induce in all but a small proportion of the population. People will feel that they now live in a world weighted in favor of the perverse and psychopathic. This is dangerous: when a population feels alienated from the legal system under which it lives, because that system fails to protect it from real dangers while lending succor and encouragement to every possible kind of wrongdoing, the population may well lose faith in the very idea of law. That is how civilization unravels.

Serial Killer? - check
Inmate? - check
Homosexual Porn? - check
Human right? - check

Clarkson on Politics, Poofs and Puffing

Jameson's picture


Matty Orchard's picture

That's just the price you have to pay in the pursuit of knowledge young Lance, go forth!


Jameson's picture

Chuckled my ass off, Lance! Laughing out loud

Homosexual prisoner porn is

Lance's picture

Homosexual prisoner porn is really not going to look good in search history.



Matty Orchard's picture

Yes, thought of that after I posted. Waiting on your findings Smiling

As a stab in the dark I'd

Lance's picture

As a stab in the dark I'd say taxpayers in the UK funded porno for prisoners recently? Or perhaps one in particular?


*Wanders off in the direction of Google*


Matty Orchard's picture

"Homosexual pornography for deranged serial killers will not be regarded as a human right"

Ay? Not only are links between pornography and delinquent behavior weak at best, the only kind of porn that is seriously being argued against on these grounds is violent pornography (rape fantasies and so on.) What's he on about?

Number 10 Downing Street even felt compelled to respond

Sandi's picture

On their website.

"Who is John Galt?"

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