What!? No Homos?

Ashley's picture
Submitted by Ashley on Fri, 2005-12-02 22:14

I have some queer things to talk about. Where is everyone?


( categories: )

I hope not. My wife doesn't

stormyeyes's picture

I hope not. My wife doesn't want to share me with anybody. If I was going to take a stroll down Bi Street, I should have done it in college. Too late now. Smiling

Ash: "I thought women were a

Ross Elliot's picture

Ash: "I thought women were a little too emotional/needy/psycho for a whole relationship."

Me too. But what's a nice heterosexual boy gonna do? It would be soooo much easier if I was *not* straight but the only place I want to feel five o'clock shadow is on my *own* face Smiling

You're right, Ash. This is

Ross Elliot's picture

You're right, Ash. This is not a "gay problem" at all.

When I was in my late twenties, I started seeing a girl who was ten years younger than me but she was worried about her father's reaction since a) I was quite a bit older and b) her parents were quite religious and c) it was a close-knit family and she didn't want to rock the boat.

So, I decided to pre-empt any conflagration by going to see her father (Hi, you don't know me but I'm the bloke who's pegging your youngest daughter), introducing myself and having an honest chat with him. I wasn't exactly asking for her hand in marriage (more like her leg in coitus Smiling) but it felt like that. It worked just fine. He didn't get mad at me. In fact, I think he was startled that I had taken the initiative and that garnered me a lot of mana (respect).

If your relationship with ??? is set to continue or get more serious then perhaps she'll let you help out in a more proactive way.

Hmm...

Ashley's picture

Now *that's* kinky! Smiling

I am just flexible. Until about a year ago, I never was in a relationship with a woman, only had sex with them and relationships with men. I thought women were a little too emotional/needy/psycho for a whole relationship. At this point in my life, or at least with the person I have met, I feel like I am getting a sort of intimacy I wasn't getting with men. But I would be hard pressed to make generalisations about liking one or the other better. Being that this is true for both me and M, we have had several conversations about why we would ever choose this more complicated path when we could be happy with a man. I don't know the answer to that, except that I wouldn't want to miss out on a great love just because it has more logistical difficulties.

I'm with you, Matt :-)

Ross Elliot's picture

I'm with you, Matt Smiling

"Honesty"

Jeff Perren's picture

Ashley,

You raise a wider point, perhaps that was what you intended all along.

It's to your credit -- there's that phrase again -- that you want to be open and frank with her family. But no one is morally required to tell everything one possibly could -- especially to someone you know is going to be hostile after getting the news.

I generally avoid such circumstances in the first place by refusing to associate with family or "friends" who would condemn me for my beliefs, but I know -- for reasons I've never fully understood -- that many have strong family attachments.

The problem sounds much more like your partner's reluctance to bear the consequences of openness -- and there's no reason she necessarily should -- than your problem with any kind of 'dishonesty'.

And you quite rightly point out that the basic principle has nothing to do with being homosexual. Prejudice comes in all forms and from varied quarters.

"Why Is Her Roommate Always Around?"

Ashley's picture

Thank you very much for the thoughtful replies.

I *do* feel boxed in by my own disinclination to "lie, hide things, or feel like an idiot." Many good points were made in the replies to my original post, so I will try to address them and respond. I would have given this information before, but I didn't want to be spewing a big personal story out there right out of the box.

I have met all of M's family and friends, even her father. I've been over for Thanksgivings, last Christmas, birthday parties and barbeques. Everyone knows that we live together. Her mom, brothers, and sisters know the nature of our relationship. Her dad goes to mass every morning and has an "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" bumper sticker on his car. M feels that there is no way she can tell him, and her mother seconds that.

In the beginning, I did go to family things with her because I thought, just as was suggested, that we were laying down some path for them to know me and it would go from there. Instead, it just becomes this strange awkward thing because not only is there a ruse going on that her dad doesn't know about, but *everyone else* in the family does.

Just an interesting side note - this is not an exclusively gay problem...in a previous relationship I dated someone whose parents didn't know (or everyone avoided talking about) that he was no longer active in an extremely rigid religion. I felt almost exactly the same as I do now and was very conflicted about the long-term health of the relationship. That said I do believe that it can all be just as bad as you think it will be regarding parents - that the worry is *not* always worse than the reality of coming out as gay, atheist, anything. I have no relationship with my parents,they want nothing to do with me, and I really think my liking girls is only a small part of the problem. It is not believing in god (first on the list) and all that comes with it - premarital sex, drinking, drugs, sleeping in on Sunday, saying swear words, everything.

I do think it would be a bad scene if she told her dad. I do. I don't think it can be anyone's choice but hers whether she wants to go through that. I prefer straightforward honesty for myself because it makes my insides feel pink. But I would be lying if I said I never wished I was loved by my family. Seeing that I respect her decision about whether or not to tell dad, and that I am welcome to attend any and all family events with her on those terms, it *is* ultimately my desire not to participate in a charade that keeps me home alone. I guess that I want her to want to tell him, to want to live honestly.

I don't know whether she is "the one." I think questions like this cause me to evaluate that frequently.

At Least?

Ashley's picture

I just take it as it comes, Jody. I have fallen in love with men and with women. I guess I am "at least bi" - shouldn't that be "at most", or is there another gender I don't know about yet?

I know, so am I, but I can

Jody Gomez's picture

I know, so am I, but I can at least joke around with her about it.

Me and my "roommate"

wsscherk's picture

I hear you ruing that you have to stay home, as your Ms Spouse goes to be with family. You, the real you, the intimate partner of Ms S, stays home, unacknowledged. You seem to be boxed in by your own disinclination to "lie, hide things, or feel like an idiot."

I am wondering:

Has your partner's privacy been chosen as the greater value, or have you two settled the 'family' issue by neglect or inattention? Have you been formerly invited, as Ms's "roommate" or "friend" -- to family gatherings? Does her family visit you? Have you met the Dad? Is your name spoken, often, when your roommate is with her folk? Does Mom know? Is everyone covering for your partner? Is yours a serious long-term commitment?

Initial coming out can be accomplished quickly ('Dad, oh yeah, I'm gay. I want to invite my luvvah Ashley to Xmas. See ya Tuesday. Bye.') -- but the acceptance phase -- if there is one -- can go differently ('Right, sweetheart, we're on for Tuesday. Best to Ashley, can't wait to meet her!' vs '. . . Dad, are you there? Dad? Ohmygawd he's had a heart attack!') . . .

Coming out doesn't have to be as abrupt, of course. We have ways to introduce our gayitude, doesn't we, Ashley?

**********************************

There might be a 'middle way' that preserves Ms S's privacy, begins to let Dad in on the game, and semi-formally introduces you to family as an important person in her life -- preparatory to any actual verbalized "truth statements." You can probably visualize that process in an instant, if you haven't already. It involves well-trodden paths taken by our peers in similar situations.

If the situation is stable and fine (which implies that you will wait till Dad dies for ultimate resolution), then do nothing, stay home. Heck, maybe Ms S isn't the 'one' you are going to partner with forever.

If you want the situation to change, you will need to negotiate the process with your partner, starting with being truthful about being left out, and figuring out if you two want to tackle a process of 'coming out to Dad' and integrating into her family. That will be an intensely individual process, because no web of relationships is exactly like another.

Perhaps you have allies in Ms S's mom, siblings, to figure out the process and help implement it. Perhaps Dad would be apoplectic, or is a fomer Marine with well-known anti-gay views. Perhaps he is a deacon or elder or otherwise devout churchment, and would have a real crisis on his hands. Maybe it's confrontation time ("I want you to finish your coming out process. It's not done yet and it hurts me at holiday time as it must hurt you.").

Maybe this is more a matter of your partnership -- a matter of commitment and planning. Many variables for you to ponder: how to accomplish coming out with minimum heartache on all sides.

Open the subject of coming out and plan out with your partner the best way to accomplish the end you probably both want.

Maybe, have a soiree at your house. ('My, Ashley is such a perfect roommate for Susan -- it's too bad that they only have the one bed, but it's so cute the way they really support each other, reminds me of Great Aunt Vespasia and her special friend Moose. She's made a real friend for life. And boy can she cook. I like her.' 'You'll make someone a great wife, Ash!' -- 'I already have, Mr Spouse . . .oops, you've spilled your coffee. Can I pour you another?').

Or . . . why not invite Ms S to your family Xmas? Or have Ms S say, "Oh, Dad, my roommate doesn't have anywhere to go on the holidays. I want to be there for her . . ."

My heart goes out to you, Ashley. I bet you will feel best, ultimately, true to yourself and your love if you press the issue now. Put your passion and commitment to Ms S in the spotlight, and move the game forward. It's been done by many. The love that dared not speak its name, and all that.

*******************

When I came out I was surprised at the reaction of a couple of relatives. They had long 'known' and accepted, but felt it just wasn't their subject to broach with me. I wished they had let me know at the time! Who knows, Dad might be one of those secretly 'knowing' people, one who has no axe to grind and would love to have you in his family once he meets you.

WSS

PS -- if this comment is one long paragraph, then I am too tech-defective to figure out how to use the rich-text feature. My preview is showing me an ominously ugly block of text, while my textarea shows my formatting.

EDIT 2: if this page is written in PHP, then there might be a missing nl2br() in echo statements. The page does not parse the HTML formatting, at least in my browser (Firefox 1.5).

It doesn't matter.

stormyeyes's picture

Does it really matter if Ashley's bi or not? She's taken.

Please tell me you are at

Jody Gomez's picture

Please tell me you are at least Bi. Else that photo you had as a red-head is all for naught. Eye

You just gave yours.

stormyeyes's picture

And you were right to do so.

These are the times that I

Jody Gomez's picture

These are the times that I wish this site had sanctions. Those were well stated words of wisdom Linz.

"Roommate" vs lover

Lindsay Perigo's picture

Ashley - to what extent is your partner aware of your discomfort? Seems to me you need to persuade her of the merits of coming out to her father, even if that runs the risk of estrangement between him & her. When I came out to myself, the very first thing I did, immediately, while still a virgin, was tell my mum & dad. Hellishly difficult though that was, I recognised the necessity of it for my own selfish peace of mind. Trying to maintain the facade of a lie was just not an option. I figured that if they disowned me, or some such, that would be their problem, not mine. They didn't, of course. But it's really important to be able to be completely honest with those one cares about - in her case, with her father.

Bloody awful situation. Wish there were a painless solution.

Linz

"This is my roommate, Ashley"

Ashley's picture

Please don't find this cringingly cliched, but I am having a little holiday crisis. My beloved is not out to her father (although everyone else knows) which is generally none of my business and doesn't affect me. The exception is holiday and similar events. In the past, my policy has been - I don't want to lie, hide things, or feel like an idiot, so I'm not going to participate. But I almost feel like I am punishing myself, because I miss out on spending all these holidays with her, and I would really like to be with her. I guess I don't really know what my issue even is, just all the confusion of feelings that comes with this time of year. It shouldn't matter to me what anyone in her family thinks (or doesn't think) about me, maybe I am bothered because it makes me feel uncertain about her that she is willing to live that way. Or maybe it shouldn't because her personal life is noone's business, anyway. This is how it goes for me, around and round, I'm not sure why but it seems like there is a clear and obvious point that I am missing.

Ashley's lament

Derek McGovern's picture

I'm all ears, Ashley! Fire away!

Sorry.

stormyeyes's picture

Sorry, Ashley, I'm just kinky.

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