21 Ways to Know You're an Airhead

Lindsay Perigo's picture
Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Sat, 2009-09-05 11:28

I often refer to Airhead America as being the harbinger of America's downfall. Here I propose to define "airhead" in order that airheads may recognise themselves and get themselves to nunneries, where at minimum they will do no harm, except (one hopes) to themselves.

You're an airhead if you:

1) Take umbrage at the characterization and treat your umbrage as a more important issue than your airheadery;

2) Chew gum;

3) Wear your shades on top of your empty head;

4) Answer your cellphone while driving;

5) Text while driving;

6) Chew gum while you're texting while you're driving;

7) Jerk off to headbanging caterwauling;

Cool Jerk off to headbanging caterwauling while chewing gum while texting while driving;

9) Think Beethoven is a thrash/trash metal band;

10) Hear the real Beethoven and can't tell the difference;

11) Think Sinatra can sing;

12) Believe as an absolute that there are no absolutes;

13) Think sentiment and thought are mutually exclusive;

14) Value respectability for its own sake;

15) Equate value-solidarity with self-abasement and collectivism, and desert your friends, when they're fighting evil, on that basis;

16) Remain silent in the face of evil on any basis;

17) Think one should try to charm scum rather than eviscerate it;

18) Think impoliteness to Hitler is worse than Hitler's crimes (see Babs Branden and the Brandroids);

19) Think "cool" is hot;

20) Intone "cool" and "awesome" over and over while jerking off to headbanging caterwauling while chewing gum while texting while driving with one's shades on top of one's empty head.

21) Think "wotevva" and "like" and a moronic shrug are, like, so totally a substitute for a coherent account of yourself.


Ross Elliot's picture

...don't try that in NZ after Nov 1. It will be illegal.

You will be stopped, harangued, strip searched, sodomised with a truncheon, fined $500, and have your car confiscated.

Or is that have your truncheon confiscated and your car sodomised? Either way, it won't be pleasant.


Ross Elliot's picture

...how do you know that's not on purpose?


Callum darling ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

We can never be sure of anything except that we can never be sure of anything. Haven't you been reading your Witch-Doctor Goode? Eye

Are we sure she isn't you in

Callum McPetrie's picture

Are we sure she isn't you in yet another of your famous guises, Lindsay? Eye

Ah, Paris My Dear ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

I knew this would get back to you, the authoress of the Airhead's Personual. Those pink shades on top of your empty head are, of course, like, so totally kewl. I know you're famous for being famous and don't need to work, but have you thought of advertising? Eye

Like, whatever, man...

Paris's picture

You know that like chewing sugar free gum is good for tooth decay?! And shades like shade your eyes from harmful ozone rays coming through the hole in the climate change layer?! And what's wrong with lik txtng whl drvn? Cnt u multitsk or sumthng? And for your information, mister, like I absolutely believe in absolutes!! You wouldn't catch me getting blitzed on that commie vodka!!

And it's "kewl", dumbass!!! Like, hello!!!

Please note ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

Amendment to #21. Eye

And location of airheads' shades clarified for the benefit of airheads who believe in virgin births.

In case my meaning wasn't obvious...

reed's picture

So... where (on the body) do non-airheads wear their shades (if not on their heads)? See 3.

So... where do non air heads

Mark Hubbard's picture

So... where do non air heads wear their shades?

In Hades, of course Smiling


gregster's picture

When the sun is out, and when the sun reaches indoors.

And there shouldn't be the problem of forgetting the upon the head pair while the over the eyes pair is in use. That's airhead X2.

I answer the phone after checking who's calling while driving.


reed's picture

So... where do non air heads wear their shades?

Number 8

Rick Pasotto's picture


You might want to ask your webmaster if there is a way to prevent the digit eight followed by a right parentheses from being interpreted as an emoticon.

You forgot numbers 22 and 23.

Rosie's picture

22. Be concerned that you meet somebody else's criteria for airheadedness.
23. Take any of these criteria seriously (except 22).

That's why ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

Well... I do answer my cell phone while I am driving

That's why I didn't mention Sibelius, Quintana. I knew you were already covered. Evil

I've refined a couple of the entries.

Well... I do answer my cell

Jason Quintana's picture

Well... I do answer my cell phone while I am driving Smiling

I love point number fifteen:

Mark Hubbard's picture

I love point number fifteen: I think that is a real weakness within Objectivism - most certainly - and Libertarianism.

I'm a bit uncomfortable, in terms of my own soul, around point fourteen. Although there are work issues in that, and two interpretations possible, or two directions it can point:someone else's respectability, and one's own. .... Perhaps not.

[Oh well, if worse comes to worse, there's always a chance those nuns will be good lookin'].

I must say ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

... I do like to be inclusive. Eye


HWH's picture

I know you dont think Sinatra can sing...so what is it?

Do you also answer your cellphone while driving?

I think I am too, Ross.

Callum McPetrie's picture

I think I am too, Ross.

Oh, poor me...

Ross Elliot's picture

...I'm an airhead.

Only one ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

... and you're on the lowest rung of Hell! Eye

How many of these criteria

Callum McPetrie's picture

How many of these criteria do you have to meet to become an official airhead?

Not that I do meet them, of course.

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