Humour: George Carlin's Rules for 2006 - Corrected!

Robert's picture
Submitted by Robert on Wed, 2006-03-22 19:59

<<<NEWS FLASH>>>

Actually, George Carlin didn’t write the rules that were originally posted here. It has been pointed out to me that Bill Maher invented the "New Rules" comic device. These particular rules aired on Bill's Real Time program. It aired on HBO between March and September 2005.

You can actually read Bill's rules "New Rules" here.

You can read the rules that used to be posted here at this website.

And well you should read them, because there are some bloody funny ones there. But don't take my word for it, I've posted by favourite rules below.

All that remains is to offer a red-faced mea culpa.  I offer my apologies to Bill Maher and George Carlin for misattributing their work and for posting something without checking the copyright issues around it. I shall now go and eat some boiled Brussels sprouts as punishment.

Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Never believe any E-mail you receive from an Australian. Those bloody sheep-shagging sons’s of sheep-rustlers couldn't lie straight in bed.

_______________________

My favourite Bill Maher's rules for 2006:

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Read the rest at Snopes.

Read some more of Bill Maher's rules.


URLs

Robert's picture

That would be due to me and my ignorance of HTML. I'm learning - slowly - the codes needed to seamlessly intergrate links into the text so that you don't need to cut and paste.

It's like this: you can either have better more effective anti-cancer drugs (my day job) or you can have fancy HTML coding on this blog (my hobby).

If you want the latter right now, please bring a brown paper lunch-bag filled with $30,000 in unmarked US currency to the fountain by the Plaza in Kansas City and wait for me to show up... :-) 

 

So why didn't those urls

Luke H's picture

So why didn't those urls come up as proper links? That kind of little error really gets to me ...

Tone

JoeM's picture

Because, Marnee, you heard the jokes in George Carlin's voice, as opposed to Mahr's whiny delivery. Eye

Ugh Bill Maher

Marnee's picture

How come they were funnier when I thought George Carlin wrote them?

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.