Objectivists Reeling!

Lindsay Perigo's picture
Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Sat, 2006-04-01 04:33

A series of bizarre incidents has rocked the Objectivist movement overnight, causing a run on counselling books by renowned neo-Objectivist therapist Nathaniel Branden. Dr. Branden has responded by raising the price of his works to $10,000 each, nearly as much as he's believed to charge California's feeble-minded therapy addicts for a one-hour personal fix. When accused, by one frustrated would-be book-purchaser, of "price-gouging," Dr. Branden, aka "Dr." Branden, replied, "Eat shit, dickhead."

The crisis was triggered by the sudden confession by Ayn Rand biographer Barbara Branden that she has made mistakes. Ms. Branden has insisted in the past that she has never made a mistake. Those who say she has made mistakes, she has claimed repeatedly, are angry alcoholics. Now, Ms. Branden has stepped forward to say she was mistaken about never being mistaken. Speaking on the website ObjectivistLying.com, Ms. Branden said, "In painting a picture of Frank O'Connor as an alcoholic, I made an egregious error. The error consisted in my not pointing out that Ayn Rand was an alcoholic too. ('Ayn the Alky' we used to call her.) I left it for my readers to infer that from the fact that she was angry all the time, but I should have spelled it out. I can only apologise to my readers for the years of deception I have been responsible for in this matter. Oh, and while I'm about it, it goes without saying that Leonard Peikoff is an alcoholic also. 'Lenny the Lush' we used to call him." When it was pointed out that she had presented no evidence of Dr. Peikoff's alcoholism, Ms. Branden retorted (angrily), "When has that ever stopped me? Furthermore, on this occasion I do have evidence, and I am its source. I saw Leonard once. He was angry AND he had a drink in his hand. There! Ha! Case closed, you raging pisshead!"

President of the Barbara Branden Fan Club, Mr. Robert ("Don't call me Bob or I'll smash your fucking teeth in") Bidinotto-Robert-Robert, says he's pleased Ms. Branden has exorcised this particular demon. "Barbara has been troubled by this matter for some time," says Bob. "It was affecting her relationship with her poodle. She had taken to bashing it on the head with a fry-pan. The poodle, Kilbourne, was starting to snarl back. That's when we knew the problem was serious."

Mr. Bidinotto-Robert-Robert added he was taking advantage of this period of healing to exorcise some demons of his own. "I was way too harsh in my condemnation of Ayn Rand for initiating a foursome. I sounded like a rabid advocate of dull, religious conventionality, which of course I am not. But I know some folk think I'm more Catholic than the Catholics, and I agree that I have something to prove here. So I'm going to prove it. I am going to initiate a foursome of my own. Since I'm new to this sort of thing, I'm going to ask Barbara to be one of the quartet. You can't beat experience after all." Asked who the other participants in the menage a quatre might be, Mr. Bidinotto-Robert-Robert said he was thinking of Ed Hudgins and James Valliant. "Ed needs something to take his mind off Bill Perry's defec ... er, retirement. And James? Hell, I called him a parasite for no reason. I figure the least I can do is give him some head." Asked whether a lack of experience might hamper him in this respect as well, Mr. Bidinotto-Robert-Robert rounded on his interviewer and exclaimed, "Guttersnipe! I bet you're in league with that Hsieh woman and that Perigo faggot! Have you forgotten how cosy I am with the greatest licker and sucker of all, Michael Stuart Kelly-Stuart-Stuart? (Actually, it's licking butt that he's best at. How do you think he got Barbara onto ObjectivistLying?!)"

Over at the Anal Retentive Institute, the Siamese twins who have set the tone for long, grim decades, likely to be remembered in Objectivist history as Objectivism's Dark Ages—Warts and Binswanker—were so touched by the new spirit of candour and restitution that they promptly excommunicated each other. "We've been a couple of jerks," said Peter. "We turned jerkism into an art form. The only thing I can say in mitigation is that it was all Harry's idea." The pair have been sentenced to a David Kelley epistemology lecture.

At SOLO, meanwhile, the Founder has been treated for bruises resulting from hours of pinching himself. He was last seen crying in bewilderment on the shoulder of new Executive Director Jason Quintana, who was heard to say, "Don't sweat it, Linz. It's just an April-the-first thing."

"And James? Hell, I called

John M Newnham's picture

"And James? Hell, I called him a parasite for no reason. I figure the least I can do is give him some head."

I must be a raving lunatic but I've read this for the third time and am still laughing. If there was one flaw, it was that it was a little *too* polite.

Good one Linz.

Broken Balls

Dan Edge's picture

You're breaking my balls, Perigo! Broken balls abound. You've left no ball unbroken. I need a break from this ball-breaking ball. Don't ask me where I'm going with this, I just lost an hour this morning and I confoosed.

--Dan Edge

Give me a break

sjw's picture

Linz, call it puritanical and uptight if you want (I could agree to disagree about that), but calling my lack of appreciation for what strikes me as "gutter humor" a sanction of bad behavior is absolutely ridiculous.

Get a grip please.

Might I respectfully suggest ...

Lindsay Perigo's picture

... that what is truly "nasty," "unfunny" & "tasteless" is the behaviour that is spoofed here, & that the kind of mindlessly conventional moral inversion that has nothing to say about that behaviour (or excuses it outright), while characterising a spoof of it in this way, is just as bad?

At minimum I would recommend the acquisition of a sense of humour & a sense of justice to those clearly in need of both.

My thanks to those who got a belly-laugh & took the trouble to say so. Smiling


Lighten up...

Casey's picture

It was April Fool's Day. There's enough ridiculous to go around for a one-day annual roasting.

Me too

sjw's picture

I'm with Edge, Rowlf and Trager. Quite unfunny and tasteless to boot if you ask me.


Jon Trager's picture

I agree with Dan Edge and Rowlf. This just seems nasty and pointless to me. Alternatively, South Park episodes have a point and use dirty humor in the service of it.


Prima Donna's picture

Bill, there is absolutely no way I can take you seriously unless it's vintage Krug.

-- Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

Good one

nevin's picture


That was funny, but some day you'll have to explain to me the joke about Robert. His actual opinions of the Brandens are far from unmixed.


It was reading some of MSK's sob stories on the old Solo HQ, and BB's attacks on Frank O'Conner and Linz that inspired my new self-portrait, in which I'm seen sporting a massive Harvey Wallbanger. I figured my fellow objectivists would take me more seriously as a moral thinker if I were closely associated with alcohol.



JoeM's picture



Andrew Bissell's picture

Galt give me strength. My first visit to SOLO in a month and I'm crying from laughing so hard.

Of course, Ms. Branden will never truly join the ranks of the initiated over at OL until she spills the beans about her *own* drinking problem, complete with tortured explanations of how Ayn Rand and Objectivism drove her to it!

I saw maybe on or two would

Landon Erp's picture

I saw maybe on or two would not be worthwhile in the end...

Have ya seen Objectivist living lately?


It all basically comes back to fight or flight.

I think...

Rowlf's picture

...that you should have 'thought twice' about this one, Linz.

~~ 'Joke-Day' or no, there's rarely a useful point in kicking opponents (merely) in their shins; and usually there's later backlash to consume one's time in dealing with.


that was beyond words

Landon Erp's picture

Truly amazing!

But I second Joe's opinion it amazes me even more that it's not coming from a south park fan.


It all basically comes back to fight or flight.

Yes, truly stunning

Ross Elliot's picture

Yes, truly stunning revelations which I'm sure will have a place in the deep, dark and musky annals of Objectivist lore.

Additionally, I can confirm that after furtive overnight transmissions from the OTO (One True Objectivism) mothership currently hovering in Earth orbit, and with particular reference to my current avatarial splendour...

...that a) I am donating some of my copious chest fur to Robert Bidinotto's forthcoming hair transplant operation, and b) Ms Branden has purchased my fig leaf which I understand will be applied as a poultice during the ritualistic floggings of ARI members caught reading uncensored copies of PARC.

Out Loud

seddon's picture

That gets it. I laughed out loud. And Linz, you call me a stand up comic. Great piece.

Fred (the most misleading secondary source ever)


eg's picture

When we see an elephant dancing we do not criticize its technique. We only marvel that it dances at all.Smiling


That's Pretty Nasty, Perigo

Dan Edge's picture


--Dan Edge


DianaHsieh's picture

Linz, I'm almost in tears from laughing so hard.

-- Diana Hsieh

Waiting for

Kenny's picture

Diana Hsieh's contribution to this thread!

Politically Incorrect

Marcus's picture

This is an incredibly funny, but also interesting news.

I beleive that Joe already invented a character South Park character for Linz Smiling


Too funny

JoeM's picture

Linz, are you SURE you don't want to write an episode of South Park? You got it down pat.

Laughing out loud

Oooo look - it's April 1 in NZ

Robert's picture

Guess what that means...

I'm going to be without the

Titan's picture

I'm going to be without the internet for awhile. Linz, this thread is gonna get ugly.

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