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Linz's New Book
Who Should Be the Republican Nominee?
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Radio Live Out-Take: The Story of the Lonely Goblin
Submitted by Lindsay Perigo on Mon, 2010-05-24 02:13
Something I had prepared for Radio Live:
Once upon a time there was a goblin. And only a goblin. There was nothing else in the universe. There was no universe. Just the goblin.
One day after an eternity of solitude the goblin got lonely and bored. He said to himself, stuff this, I’m going to make stuff to play with. So he made the universe and he made living creatures. He made men just so they could hang out with him and tell him how cool he was.
But he didn’t want men saying that just because he wanted them to. He gave them the option of calling him uncool, blowing him off and pissing him off generally. He even created a rival for their affections, an anti-goblin, and injected them with a party drug called Original Sin which made them swoon and succumb to the anti-goblin's attentions.
For those who managed to remain staunch and genuflect to him in spite of how hard he made it to do so, the goblin created a place of eternal, blissful reward. For the billions of men he knew in advance would call him uncool, blow him off, piss him off generally, and go with the anti-goblin, he created a place of terrible, everlasting punishment, to which he would condemn them on a day called Judgment Day, or Great Hissy-Fit Day.
In preludes to Great Hissy-Fit Day, the goblin threw an occasional minor tantrum, for practice. One time he banished men from the cool garden he’d made for them. Many years after that he drowned nearly all of them. Later still, seriously bummed out by now, even though he'd known all along how it would play out, he impregnated a virgin with goblin-seed and had himself born as a man whom he then had tortured and killed as a sacrifice to himself on behalf of all other men who, under the influence of the party drug he'd injected, had succumbed to the anti-goblin he’d created. (Kids, don't even try to make sense of this at home.)
Finally the goblin proceeded to damn most men to his place of everlasting torture, just as he always knew he would.
When asked what was he thinking, why had he gone ahead with the exercise in the first place knowing how it would end, the goblin said, for the hell of it.
Some men were heard to say that it might have been better for all concerned had the goblin simply kept himself to himself, and that such an uncool goblin deserved to be lonely anyway.
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