SOLO-NZ Press Release: Election 2011—Parties Put up Puppies Proposals

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Submitted by PhilipD on Sat, 2011-11-19 10:27

SOLO-NZ Press Release: Election 2011—Parties Put up Puppies Proposals

Philip Duck
November 20, 2011

With just days to go to polling day and with all the drama of the teapot tapes, there is a real risk that the issue of whether breast enlargement should or should not be paid for by the state will simply not get the attention it deserves. To remedy this, political parties were recently asked how they would manage the increasing demand for free, false boobs.

“We are seeing a growing disparity between the cup size of the bigger girls and the less well-endowed," said Labour leader, Phil Goff. “My party recognises this and we simply will not let it continue. So, while we haven’t crunched the numbers yet, New Zealanders can be sure that Labour is the best party to look after the nation’s top assets.”

The Green party said in a statement they would seek to ban direct-to-consumer advertising of breast modification services and develop a plan to encourage healthy attitudes towards smaller breasts through a series of taxpayer-funded workshops.

The Aotearoa Legalize Cannabis Party claimed that Hemp was the perfect product to be used in breast implants and that tens of thousands of green jobs would be created if New Zealand implemented its ‘Hemp for Hooters’ policy.

“Our Wahine used to have the best tits in the world. They were choice, bro, until you white fullas came along,” lamented a Maori Party Spokesman, “You should honour the treaty, eh? Implants should be free for my people,” he said.

Winston Peters claimed that within 3 months a New Zealand First government would ensure senior citizens entitlement to free implants under his proposed expansion of the ‘SuperGold Card.’ "I’ll do everything I can to help them achieve an active and dignified retirement,” thundered Peters.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister John Key claimed, “it’s the same old Labour wanting to take New Zealand backwards with more borrowing, more spending and more taxes. But the National Party stands for limited government and personal responsibility, so we won’t be funding breast surgery of that kind. Although I guess the Maori party does have a point … and I dunno, let’s wait and see, maybe Winston does, too.”

In related news, the Human Rights Commission recently confirmed that they were looking closely into the issue of ‘breast discrimination.’ “Terms such as 'bee-stings,’ ‘split peas on a paddock’ and ‘surfboard’ were highly derogatory,” said Chief Commissioner David Rutherford, “and therefore have no place in a civilized society. We must and we will act, to stop such slurs” he said.

Philip Duck:

SOLO (Sense of Life Objectivists):

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